41 years .. wow, wasn’t it just yesterday that one of my friends was telling me, “We are going over to a campmeeting to see Bob Bedford .. do you want to come along?” I declined and I think I even laughed at them. I couldn’t imagine girls flocking anywhere to see a guy! They all seemed to really like this “Bob” guy and from what I had heard, he liked lots of girls, too. Little did I know that some 44 years later, we would be celebrating our 41st wedding anniversary!
I’m always amazed at people who smile widely and say they have a perfect marriage. Makes me want to run and throw up somewhere because as Bob reminds me, if two people agree on everything, one of them is not necessary!! Well, we are definitely both necessary if you consider that formula!! We qualify for the “Irreconcilable Differences” and love it! Because that is exactly what makes us complete.
It only took me about 40 years or so to figure that out! We are in the process of outlining a book that we are going to co-write on that very topic. That the very things we think are what pull us apart are what make us whole. And it’s all in God’s plan! Okay, so you think I’ve gone off the deep end .. you won’t be the first to think that and Bob probably heads up that list. He has shaken his head at me in wonderment many times over the years and probably asked, “What was I thinking?” Then again, I have probably done that, too … but wouldn’t trade anything for our lives together. J
It took me a long time to figure out that it was okay if we liked different foods … like one of my favorites my mother made while I was growing up, “Egg ala Golden Rod”! Bob looked at it, made a face and told me that would not probably ever be on his menu – and it hasn’t. What is it? Simply put, creamed eggs on toast with the cooked yolk sprinkled on top. Or good old fish sticks .. well, I’ll admit, that wasn’t the best choice we had but since my mother did not like fish (not sure she ever tried it) and wanted to make sure we had some in our diet, she chose fish sticks. I did actually like them … Bob couldn’t stand them. So strike that off the menu – except when he was away and then I could do like my mother did, fix all the things our husbands didn’t like!
He liked foods I had never heard of and some stuff I have never tried from down in Louisiana land .. crawdads? Forget it! I didn’t even care too much for shrimp creole but I do like catfish and he taught me how to love almost every other kind of seafood … well, almost every kind. We really liked the Calabash shrimp served at Winks Restaurant in Salisbury, NC. The best!! Oh, and Elaine Paul makes the best gumbo although I couldn’t begin to tell you all she puts into it!
So … I had to learn how to cook differently and for a while, felt a little intimidated by Bob’s mother who is an awesome cook. But, I came up with some pretty good dishes on my own and he loves those – the only problem, those are typically Sunday dinner fare – I just don’t like to have to figure out what to fix the rest of the week. Give me a crowd on Sundays and I love it. During the week, give me a bowl of cottage cheese and pineapple slices and I’m great – or breakfast for dinner! That’s a no-no for Bob – I love it, he thinks I’m odd! So, we just go to Denny’s from time to time to get that fix – my breakfast for dinner! And he looks at me with that raised eyebrow … and digs into his tilapia dinner (which, by the way, he has an awesome recipe he makes – for those weekday meals I don’t like to fix!)
Bob likes carefully thought out plans – I do too part of the time but as my kids can tell you, spontaneity is my life many times. I call them, “Do you want to run to the store?” “When?” “Now!” “Now? I’m not even dressed yet.” “Get ready, I’ll pick you up in 10 minutes!” And our vacations … let’s see how many places we can visit across the country, Bob tells us as I try to figure out where the closest beach is … give me a book and the sound of crashing waves and I’ll be happy for a week. Bob loves the beach … but to walk along at sunset. He can’t handle the sun – much more sensitive to the sun than I am so just about an hour and he’ll be sunburned. I could be out there all day and not be (don’t worry, I don’t do that!)
We have been almost everywhere across these United States – from all over the New England states to San Diego, California. We’ve taken three week trips out west where it was about 25 degrees in Yellowstone Park and our girls about froze running from our camper (which wasn’t modern enough for a bathroom) to the camp bathroom. Oh, I enjoyed those trips immensely, too … although I think I outdid myself when I thought it would be great to take a walk along the beach in one of the New England states. The girls have never forgiven me for that – okay, figuring distance isn’t my strength and somehow I seemed to forget that if we got somewhere we did have to walk back!!
I don’t like heights .. Bob loves them. He even got Teri to venture to the edge of the Grand Canyon and I wanted to go hide until they came back safely. I hid my eyes as we rode up the elevator at the Eifel Tower – Bob wanted to see everything on the way up. I felt relatively safe at the top since they had a lot of fencing. But, I was usually still pulling away and trying to pull him away – which frustrated him greatly!
I like activity and noise – Bob can take the quiet and be very comfortable. When there is hubbub in our house after a family dinner, you would find Bob sitting at his computer or taking a nap in our room after playing with the grandkids for a while. Me – I’m probably in the thick of things …
Bob thinks things through .. I have a tendency to act and then think although I have learned a lot in that area over the years. After Bob saying, “Didn’t you think about this before … “, I decided I really needed to take a little more thought. On the other hand, Bob has actually had many fun times following my lead … after he thought I was absolutely crazy!! He just wanted me to get the blame or credit for being the crazy one!
Our differences continue – I get freaked out by blood and injury – Bob takes it pretty much in stride. So, when Teri got her little finger cut or Sandi had a bicycle accident, Bob was the one to be with them at the hospital. We both knew it was better if I stayed with the other girls … he didn’t want to take care of another spazzed out female!
In Bob’s family, love was not necessarily expressed audibly. In my family, it was expressed often. That was another major adjustment for me and finally Bob had to simply say one day, “I am not like your dad.” I’m good with that now and Bob is much more expressive in his love for me and for our kids and grandkids. I did finally realize that I had a tendency to use my dad as a measuring stick – I think I was afraid, too, that Bob was using his mother when it came to cooking. J Now we use those differences in understanding others, too.
When we were growing up, my parents did their best to keep all of their disagreements private. And for the most part, I am glad for that and we worked hard to do that as well. They were so afraid that if they fussed at each other at all, we would have a tendency to not have as much respect for them or one above the other. But, there came a time when told them, “Okay, we know that life isn’t always perfect. It’s okay for you to have differences. It helps us to know how to deal with differences, too.” They did it with respect although in their later years, they fussed over little things and it became quite amusing to us .. and frustrating to them! If we received a call from my mother saying, “I’m in the laundry room” (at their independent living facility), we knew something had happened with Dad and she wasn’t sure how to handle it. We were becoming a parent to our parents and were praying for wisdom. They were married almost 62 years when my mother went on to heaven.
So while Bob and I are very different even in raising children, we did our best to discuss those issues in private. This is an area that I would ‘redo’ if I could .. having four girls, I understood them better or so I thought. So I had a tendency to be the “go between” with them and Bob. I was sure he didn’t understand them at all .. he thought I was too easy on them. Hindsight is 20/20 but I am glad that the girls have used our experience as they raise their children and we can all talk about it openly. Instead of using those differences, we abused those differences during those years. Yet, the girls will come to us and thank us for various things about how we raised them and I wonder, “Are we talking about the same thing?” In the midst of it all, God worked in all of our lives.
Our irreconcilable differences have worked well in ministry – take ice breakers at retreats, for instance. If you know Bob, he’s not one to make an absolute fool out of himself – except for his alter ego, Silas! Now when Silas comes on the scene, life is never the same. But, on the whole, it is me who is willing to act like an idiot (okay, so it comes naturally) to get people acquainted with each other. Bob would usually put a retreat program together and then tell me to add the ‘fun’ stuff. It actually took me many years to relax enough to do this in front of him. I always thought he would rethink his wedding vows and wonder what in the world had he gotten himself into! Sometimes I thought he was a little too serious at the moment and needed some levity. Oh, I’ve even directed Sunday School choruses in the middle of worship times at campmeetings. “Everyone on your feet! Let’s do the motions to these!” Bob would go to the piano and we’d have a great time – the people sang and did the motions and when they were done .. we were usually laughing hysterically but yet in a worshipful mood. (Laughter and worship? Yes, they can go together well!)
Expressing emotions – we are completely opposite in that area. I operated on emotions for many years and just couldn’t understand that Bob didn’t. When he wasn’t sensitive enough, I thought he was not caring enough. Little did I know that it was the constancy of his caring in his actions that would carry us through some tough times when my roller coaster of emotions might have derailed our relationship completely. When he told me once that he loved me because he had made a choice of the will to love, I was offended. Now I understand!
On the other hand, my intuition (typically not a strength in men although sometimes) was something he learned to listen to. Sometimes he would look at me like I might have come from outer space when I shared something I ‘sensed’, but when a few days later he found that I was correct in my assessment, he perked up his ears when I shared my concern. Now, I’ll admit, there have been times when I was a little paranoid but we both usually recognized those times.
Understanding women … most guys will typically laugh when you say those two words together and we have had our share of challenges in that area. However, I knew we had come a very long way in that area when I heard Bob tell how he had counseled a guy to listen to his wife’s “heart” … more than even the words. Wow! He also mentioned that in a sermon he prepared years ago about listening to our children’s hearts .. we had learned the hard way!
Over the past couple years, life has been more of a challenge .. but it has given us time to talk through some of these things and realize that there are things that matter and there are things that don’t. Much of what we think is important when it comes to differences doesn’t really matter in the big picture. Oh, there must be a solid foundation in our relationships but the differences are what make us unique … and make us a complete relationship.
One of the special times at weddings is the unity candle. For many years, I thought it was awesome that the two candles would join together and make one and then the individual candle would be blown out. What an awesome thought … but then again, maybe not. For while indeed we are “one”, we also bring some very big differences .. some strengths, some weaknesses … but when we are committed to God, he uses our irreconcilable differences to make us complete. So, I’ll admit, I like it when the candles are left lit after lighting the one in the middle. We don’t lose our identity in our marriage – we use our differences to make us complete.
So, as we celebrate our 41st anniversary and wonder where the years have gone and yet sometimes feel like we have been married forever, I am indeed blessed. Do we still have differences? Oh my, yes! Of course … but I don’t think I’m going to try to mold him into the person I want him to be .. he needs to be who God wants him to be. When that happens, we are truly “one” together and “One” in Him.
I’m always amazed at people who smile widely and say they have a perfect marriage. Makes me want to run and throw up somewhere because as Bob reminds me, if two people agree on everything, one of them is not necessary!! Well, we are definitely both necessary if you consider that formula!! We qualify for the “Irreconcilable Differences” and love it! Because that is exactly what makes us complete.
It only took me about 40 years or so to figure that out! We are in the process of outlining a book that we are going to co-write on that very topic. That the very things we think are what pull us apart are what make us whole. And it’s all in God’s plan! Okay, so you think I’ve gone off the deep end .. you won’t be the first to think that and Bob probably heads up that list. He has shaken his head at me in wonderment many times over the years and probably asked, “What was I thinking?” Then again, I have probably done that, too … but wouldn’t trade anything for our lives together. J
It took me a long time to figure out that it was okay if we liked different foods … like one of my favorites my mother made while I was growing up, “Egg ala Golden Rod”! Bob looked at it, made a face and told me that would not probably ever be on his menu – and it hasn’t. What is it? Simply put, creamed eggs on toast with the cooked yolk sprinkled on top. Or good old fish sticks .. well, I’ll admit, that wasn’t the best choice we had but since my mother did not like fish (not sure she ever tried it) and wanted to make sure we had some in our diet, she chose fish sticks. I did actually like them … Bob couldn’t stand them. So strike that off the menu – except when he was away and then I could do like my mother did, fix all the things our husbands didn’t like!
He liked foods I had never heard of and some stuff I have never tried from down in Louisiana land .. crawdads? Forget it! I didn’t even care too much for shrimp creole but I do like catfish and he taught me how to love almost every other kind of seafood … well, almost every kind. We really liked the Calabash shrimp served at Winks Restaurant in Salisbury, NC. The best!! Oh, and Elaine Paul makes the best gumbo although I couldn’t begin to tell you all she puts into it!
So … I had to learn how to cook differently and for a while, felt a little intimidated by Bob’s mother who is an awesome cook. But, I came up with some pretty good dishes on my own and he loves those – the only problem, those are typically Sunday dinner fare – I just don’t like to have to figure out what to fix the rest of the week. Give me a crowd on Sundays and I love it. During the week, give me a bowl of cottage cheese and pineapple slices and I’m great – or breakfast for dinner! That’s a no-no for Bob – I love it, he thinks I’m odd! So, we just go to Denny’s from time to time to get that fix – my breakfast for dinner! And he looks at me with that raised eyebrow … and digs into his tilapia dinner (which, by the way, he has an awesome recipe he makes – for those weekday meals I don’t like to fix!)
Bob likes carefully thought out plans – I do too part of the time but as my kids can tell you, spontaneity is my life many times. I call them, “Do you want to run to the store?” “When?” “Now!” “Now? I’m not even dressed yet.” “Get ready, I’ll pick you up in 10 minutes!” And our vacations … let’s see how many places we can visit across the country, Bob tells us as I try to figure out where the closest beach is … give me a book and the sound of crashing waves and I’ll be happy for a week. Bob loves the beach … but to walk along at sunset. He can’t handle the sun – much more sensitive to the sun than I am so just about an hour and he’ll be sunburned. I could be out there all day and not be (don’t worry, I don’t do that!)
We have been almost everywhere across these United States – from all over the New England states to San Diego, California. We’ve taken three week trips out west where it was about 25 degrees in Yellowstone Park and our girls about froze running from our camper (which wasn’t modern enough for a bathroom) to the camp bathroom. Oh, I enjoyed those trips immensely, too … although I think I outdid myself when I thought it would be great to take a walk along the beach in one of the New England states. The girls have never forgiven me for that – okay, figuring distance isn’t my strength and somehow I seemed to forget that if we got somewhere we did have to walk back!!
I don’t like heights .. Bob loves them. He even got Teri to venture to the edge of the Grand Canyon and I wanted to go hide until they came back safely. I hid my eyes as we rode up the elevator at the Eifel Tower – Bob wanted to see everything on the way up. I felt relatively safe at the top since they had a lot of fencing. But, I was usually still pulling away and trying to pull him away – which frustrated him greatly!
I like activity and noise – Bob can take the quiet and be very comfortable. When there is hubbub in our house after a family dinner, you would find Bob sitting at his computer or taking a nap in our room after playing with the grandkids for a while. Me – I’m probably in the thick of things …
Bob thinks things through .. I have a tendency to act and then think although I have learned a lot in that area over the years. After Bob saying, “Didn’t you think about this before … “, I decided I really needed to take a little more thought. On the other hand, Bob has actually had many fun times following my lead … after he thought I was absolutely crazy!! He just wanted me to get the blame or credit for being the crazy one!
Our differences continue – I get freaked out by blood and injury – Bob takes it pretty much in stride. So, when Teri got her little finger cut or Sandi had a bicycle accident, Bob was the one to be with them at the hospital. We both knew it was better if I stayed with the other girls … he didn’t want to take care of another spazzed out female!
In Bob’s family, love was not necessarily expressed audibly. In my family, it was expressed often. That was another major adjustment for me and finally Bob had to simply say one day, “I am not like your dad.” I’m good with that now and Bob is much more expressive in his love for me and for our kids and grandkids. I did finally realize that I had a tendency to use my dad as a measuring stick – I think I was afraid, too, that Bob was using his mother when it came to cooking. J Now we use those differences in understanding others, too.
When we were growing up, my parents did their best to keep all of their disagreements private. And for the most part, I am glad for that and we worked hard to do that as well. They were so afraid that if they fussed at each other at all, we would have a tendency to not have as much respect for them or one above the other. But, there came a time when told them, “Okay, we know that life isn’t always perfect. It’s okay for you to have differences. It helps us to know how to deal with differences, too.” They did it with respect although in their later years, they fussed over little things and it became quite amusing to us .. and frustrating to them! If we received a call from my mother saying, “I’m in the laundry room” (at their independent living facility), we knew something had happened with Dad and she wasn’t sure how to handle it. We were becoming a parent to our parents and were praying for wisdom. They were married almost 62 years when my mother went on to heaven.
So while Bob and I are very different even in raising children, we did our best to discuss those issues in private. This is an area that I would ‘redo’ if I could .. having four girls, I understood them better or so I thought. So I had a tendency to be the “go between” with them and Bob. I was sure he didn’t understand them at all .. he thought I was too easy on them. Hindsight is 20/20 but I am glad that the girls have used our experience as they raise their children and we can all talk about it openly. Instead of using those differences, we abused those differences during those years. Yet, the girls will come to us and thank us for various things about how we raised them and I wonder, “Are we talking about the same thing?” In the midst of it all, God worked in all of our lives.
Our irreconcilable differences have worked well in ministry – take ice breakers at retreats, for instance. If you know Bob, he’s not one to make an absolute fool out of himself – except for his alter ego, Silas! Now when Silas comes on the scene, life is never the same. But, on the whole, it is me who is willing to act like an idiot (okay, so it comes naturally) to get people acquainted with each other. Bob would usually put a retreat program together and then tell me to add the ‘fun’ stuff. It actually took me many years to relax enough to do this in front of him. I always thought he would rethink his wedding vows and wonder what in the world had he gotten himself into! Sometimes I thought he was a little too serious at the moment and needed some levity. Oh, I’ve even directed Sunday School choruses in the middle of worship times at campmeetings. “Everyone on your feet! Let’s do the motions to these!” Bob would go to the piano and we’d have a great time – the people sang and did the motions and when they were done .. we were usually laughing hysterically but yet in a worshipful mood. (Laughter and worship? Yes, they can go together well!)
Expressing emotions – we are completely opposite in that area. I operated on emotions for many years and just couldn’t understand that Bob didn’t. When he wasn’t sensitive enough, I thought he was not caring enough. Little did I know that it was the constancy of his caring in his actions that would carry us through some tough times when my roller coaster of emotions might have derailed our relationship completely. When he told me once that he loved me because he had made a choice of the will to love, I was offended. Now I understand!
On the other hand, my intuition (typically not a strength in men although sometimes) was something he learned to listen to. Sometimes he would look at me like I might have come from outer space when I shared something I ‘sensed’, but when a few days later he found that I was correct in my assessment, he perked up his ears when I shared my concern. Now, I’ll admit, there have been times when I was a little paranoid but we both usually recognized those times.
Understanding women … most guys will typically laugh when you say those two words together and we have had our share of challenges in that area. However, I knew we had come a very long way in that area when I heard Bob tell how he had counseled a guy to listen to his wife’s “heart” … more than even the words. Wow! He also mentioned that in a sermon he prepared years ago about listening to our children’s hearts .. we had learned the hard way!
Over the past couple years, life has been more of a challenge .. but it has given us time to talk through some of these things and realize that there are things that matter and there are things that don’t. Much of what we think is important when it comes to differences doesn’t really matter in the big picture. Oh, there must be a solid foundation in our relationships but the differences are what make us unique … and make us a complete relationship.
One of the special times at weddings is the unity candle. For many years, I thought it was awesome that the two candles would join together and make one and then the individual candle would be blown out. What an awesome thought … but then again, maybe not. For while indeed we are “one”, we also bring some very big differences .. some strengths, some weaknesses … but when we are committed to God, he uses our irreconcilable differences to make us complete. So, I’ll admit, I like it when the candles are left lit after lighting the one in the middle. We don’t lose our identity in our marriage – we use our differences to make us complete.
So, as we celebrate our 41st anniversary and wonder where the years have gone and yet sometimes feel like we have been married forever, I am indeed blessed. Do we still have differences? Oh my, yes! Of course … but I don’t think I’m going to try to mold him into the person I want him to be .. he needs to be who God wants him to be. When that happens, we are truly “one” together and “One” in Him.
My bridesmaids .. Linda Bedford Davis, Shirley Throne Fogleman (maid-of-honor), me, Marilyn Cook Darnell, Judy Patterson Miller; Flower girl, Crystal Fankhauser Lynch; Miniature bride, Rachel Boynton Southerland 
What we won't do for our grandkids! Singing, "We're the pirates who don't anything ... "
Roxanne, me, Bob;Sandi, Shonna, Teri
On top of the world -- Pike's Peak and you'll notice I'm safely away from the edge!!
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