Mother's Day

Over the past few weeks, I’ve often walked by the card section of a store where lots of Mother’s Day cards are displayed. And I’ve felt a sense of sadness as my mother is not here to be the recipient of one of those cards or a letter reflecting on her life. We wonder what heaven is like … my mother knew in a way, I think. She was ill many years ago and described going to the doors of heaven but being told that her time was not up. I wonder if she knows that it is Mother’s Day tomorrow. I know, I’m sure some are chuckling or shaking their heads and thinking, “Is she a little crazy or what?” But, we don’t know …

I’m the oldest of six children – the second mother, as I have been called over the years. A few days before my mother died, I had a chance to tell her on the phone that I would be sure to try to fulfill that role .. although I would never be able to fill her shoes. My mother was a woman of prayer – from the time I was little until she went to heaven, I knew that prayer was a priority in her life. She loved my dad and gave Rachel and me an example of how to be a godly Mother.

With all that in mind, I still love it that she was also very human. I think many times we don’t share those things for fear someone might not respect them quite as much – or may not think they were as spiritual as they should be.

I can see her now lowering her head a little and saying, “Mark!” Mark knew just how to push her buttons and then laugh while she just shook her head and rolled her eyes. She died that to me a few times, too … probably more than just a few times! Wonder why it was us who got that response. Oh, the others had their times, too. Especially the FIL’s. Who are they? Well, it would be Bob and Allen – whoever happened to be the “Favorite-In-Law .. a.k.a., FIL! That brought lots of chuckles, too. See who get out of her graces to lose the name for a period of time … ahem.. Allen? (Just kidding)

Over the years, we accumulated lots of memories – many of them on the funny side. She was Swedish – full blooded and I suppose she could typically be described as a “stubborn Swede”. However, even though she might be stubborn, she always honored my dad as the head of the home. Both of my parents were careful not to disagree in front of us (kids) even though we finally convinced them, I think, that they were just as human as the rest of us and we would like them to feel like they could show it.

In their later years, this came out more often and it made me love them even more – while at the time I might be a little frustrated at them. So, here’s a funny scenario that happened a few years ago about this time of the year. They were still living at Berkshire, an assisted living facility. Because of physical challenges my dad had, they were unable to attend their church home very often. But, this particular weekend, I was able to take them. So, I arrived and managed to get them both finally comfortably seated in the van. I was driving (thank goodness).

We set out – about a 20 minute ride or so. We had barely left the parking lot when they began to discuss where I was going to park once we got to the church. My mother wanted me to let them out at one place because she thought my dad’s wheelchair would work better there but he was certain she didn’t know what she was talking about and insisted I would go to the back of the church where there was a ramp. No, she was sure there wasn’t a ramp there – that they would need to go to the other door.

This went on for several minutes – I was the one shaking my head at this point. My dear, sweet parents were acting like a typical married couple –both of them set in their ways after 60 years of marriage and neither one quite ready to give in to the other.

Finally, I had had just about enough of my “parents turned children” and thought I’d better step up to the place as the “mom”. I told them that I really didn’t care where either one of them wanted me to park and that I knew exactly where I was going to let them out! I was going to pull up to the front entrance – it would work the best there.

My mother’s answer was classic … “And just who do you think you are?”

I told her, “I’m the one with the keys and I’m driving!” I think I heard a low “well” and that was it!

Don’t worry – none of this was done with respect but I will have to say that I hung up on them both one time while we were talking on the phone. My family (all of them) will know that you couldn’t talk to one without the other being on the phone. That was except for the times Mother needed to talk seriously about Dad and his health issues and she raced – well, not raced, but you get the picture – for the laundry room at Berkshire where she could talk privately on their cell phone. It sort of got to be a joke when she called and said, “I’m in the laundry room” …uh-oh, she needed to talk to us about Dad.

This particular time, they were both on the phone and were discussing something that they disagreed on and I guess I, as the oldest, got called (on the phone) as mediator. They neither one were paying much attention to me so I said, “Um … I really don’t need this .. “ and hung up! Yikes! I just hung up on my parents! At that time of their lives, it seemed we were reversing roles and I had to take the ‘parent’ role to my parents. Since then, Rachel has been the one who has taken over that role and for that, I will be eternally grateful. (She and Joel primarily.)

While life is filled with sadness and difficulties at times, we seem to grab hold of the humorous situations. Like the time I was cleaning out their apartment after my mother passed away. She had told Rachel and me just about 6 weeks before that she died that she had hoped I would come up to spend a week with her to clean out her office during that fall. Little did we know that she would leave this world prior to that being completed so after she passed away, I came back up to Indiana and took on the task. It was only fair since those living in Indiana have carried such a heavy load – again, primarily Rachel. (And they did their share after I left!)

I worked for several days. My dad, due to his physical condition, was not able to be up and around and every once in a while as I would pass carrying some trash bags, he would ask, “And how many bags have you taken out?” And he’d smile and say, “What was she thinking?” I knew he loved her dearly so it was not a negative comment but rather just knowing how she was!

Anyway … Shara was there late the last day I was trying to move my dad down into a studio apartment and she came out of the pantry with a can of spray paint in her hand. “Aha, look what I found!” I’m almost hesitant to share this yet it was what made her special to us and so typical … she knew that the family had been concerned about her driving and she had dented in the side of the van. She bought a can of matching spray paint and was able to cover it up quite nicely – and Shara had found the can hidden in the pantry! Oh, yes, we stopped and laughed for a while as we remembered the funny things over the years. The things that we treasure along with the more serious side – her prayer life and her love for her Lord and her family. Those are the true treasures – but along the way, we have so many memories that make us chuckle – or downright laugh out loud!!

She was fairly computer savvy especially since she had worked for Best Lock Corporation in their Master Key department for a number of years. However, when working on email or in WORD, whenever she got stumped, she would either call Mark or me. Poor Mark … he would try to walk her through it while driving down the road. “No, Mother …you can’t do it that way.” Mother -- “But, why not?” I was talking to her on the phone one day and explained how she could send a ‘blind copy’ on aol. She said, “Why does it work that way?” I told her I had no clue exactly why it does it just that way – I just know it does. She wasn’t quite satisfied with that answer. “But, why?” And then a moment of déjà vu, I’m sure. Wasn’t there a time when we were asking her the same question, “But, why?” I guess I should have shown a little more patience.

And duct tape … oh, my. Duct tape was a necessity in their home. I saw one of the chairs all bound up with duct tape and she explained that she had fixed the chair so it could be used again. (I didn’t try sitting on it!) Please don’t hit me when I share that we did put a roll of duct tape in her casket. It was during family time following the funeral and we knew just how much it was ‘her’ … my dad had to laugh, too. (Actually, we couldn’t find the role that we had the night before at the viewing and I had to buy a roll on the way to the funeral service. I wonder what the clerk would have thought had I told her I was buying it for my mother’s casket?!) That and post-it notes! Lots of post-it notes! When I was going through her things, I probably accumulated several pads of used post-it notes – I should have kept them for posterity but thought no one might really be interested in reading through them. Some related to reminders of medicines or notes of things ‘to do’, etc. Several years ago, she actually put a whole bunch of post-it notes on the front door for my dad to see one night. He did the typical “shake your head and smile” routine, I’m sure.

One of her challenges over the last years was in the area of memory. She felt that she was really struggling at times and that in itself became a challenge for my dad. I would laugh (out loud) at them sometimes. She would be telling a story and hesitated for a little while so my dad would say something. She would get a little frustrated because that made her forget where she was in her story. He would very calmly say, “But I thought you were through.” “Well, I wasn’t….”

I could write a book, I’m sure. She was after me to write a book for many years. She finally seemed content when I began to blog … it seemed that she was waiting for several things to happen before she was content to leave this world behind and I wondered if her ability to read my blog every day actually satisfied that desire she had. She wanted all of us to write our family memories but I told her that she would have to be the first to do it. While she didn’t really get it done, I found so may note pads of notes, prayer requests, reminders … it was like a lifetime of journaling in a variety of places! I have one of her Bibles .. safely put aside for fear of it literally falling apart. She lived in her Bible(s) … I enjoyed going through them and reading the notations on the sides of the pages. When someone had preached on a particular passage of scripture and she usually had little notes stuck in throughout the pages.

I suppose one of the special times I will remember was staying with them when she had her final foot surgery the year she died. It was early in the year – probably January. We had lots of fun – I took her to Walmart (that’s another story) and Kroger’s (and that’s a better story for another time … a great lesson in patience, I might add) and to the dry cleaners (I offered to go in and she basically asked if I didn’t think she could do it on her own. lol!) I would find her in her “prayer chair” with her Bible early in the morning – her prayer requests spread across her lap and I knew that those prayers were literally circling the globe … from her children to missionaries who were on her prayer list. I recently told Marvin Adams, Jr., how she would forward updates from when the Adams were on the mission field on to me .. she wrote him often to tell him of her prayer support for their ministry. And Aletha Hinthorn, Peggy Lewis and their “Come to the Fire” ministry. She emailed lots of people encouraging notes letting them know she was praying for them. I found many of those after she went on to be with Jesus.

Most treasured are probably the emails that her children and grandchildren received. I have many and I know my girls have some that she had written to them – and they’ve shared the times they called Grandma Boynton when they were going through a difficult time and needed some extra advice and prayer support. I think if you were to ask any of our family members what they miss most about Mother / Grandma, there would be absolutely no hesitation in saying, “Her prayer support!” Each one has a story to tell and each one is so important and is something they will treasure for a lifetime.

I wonder if in heaven she knows what is going on here – does she go to our heavenly Father and ask him to wrap his arms around one of her children who is going through a hard time? Does she ask Him to supply a special need? I know there are no tears in heaven and I can see her rejoicing there … but I still wonder …

So, at this Mother’s Day … I remember! The wonderful memories as a little girl and as a grown woman who had a mom who said I was one of her closest friends – a role I shared with my sister. I am truly blessed!